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Positive Parenting: What is it and How to do it

Parenting with a positive attitude can be very effective. Instead of trying to correct your child’s weaknesses, focus on their strengths. This is why some people call it strength-based parenting.

In the early 1900s, Austrian psychologist Alfred Alder developed the principles of positive parenting. He thought kids really needed to feel like they were part of the community. They flourish and are less likely to misbehave when they are in an attentive and engaging environment.

As parents and partners, we frequently nit-pick as our natural default position. It’s simple to concentrate on what your infant or toddler is doing incorrectly. However, the foundation of this parenting approach is to change your attention to their talents. Additionally, research demonstrates that it is a more successful parenting strategy.

Why do we naturally nitpick?

Put the blame for nitpicking on our minds. A long-standing survival instinct in all of us is a leaning toward negativity. In order to protect ourselves and our community, we are therefore hardwired to concentrate on what is wrong.

In the modern era, we experience societal pressures as well. We are eager to “correct” our children’s behaviours depending on what we perceive to be weak or wanting in them. It’s possible that this is how we were raised, so it’s become our default behaviour. But we can overcome this negativity bias if we can learn to focus on our child’s talents.

So how do you raise your children positively?

Although positive parenting strategies can differ slightly, the emphasis on pleasant relationships remains the same. Positive behaviours and urges are acknowledged, rewarded, and reinforced. You want to be kind and supportive while demonstrating empathy. Additionally, you establish a setting that will facilitate your child’s cooperative and positive behaviour.

A strength is something your child does well, enthusiastically, and frequently, according to psychologists. Characteristics like resilience, curiosity, courage, humour, and kindness are just a few examples of what may qualify as good walking or talking. Your youngster can thrive if you keep in mind to support their distinctive personality, characteristics, talents, and skills.

Is positive parenting the same as spoiling?

Along with psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikers, Adler argued that children should be treated with respect, but he also counselled parents to refrain from spoiling and coddling them because these parenting techniques only lead to more emotional and behavioural problems, such as feelings of entitlement, self-centeredness, and a lack of empathy.

Along with psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikers, Adler argued that children should be treated with respect, but he also counselled parents to refrain from spoiling and coddling them because these parenting techniques only lead to more emotional and behavioural problems, such as feelings of entitlement, self-centeredness, and a lack of empathy.

Positive parenting was built on this ground-breaking concept. The majority of positive parenting specialists can agree on these three concepts because of this statement.

First Principle Assumption: A child’s main objective is to find a sense of belonging and significance

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After a child has been clothed, fed, and sheltered, his next two demands are for these essential needs: to belong and to feel important.

What is belonging?

Being connected and wanted is what it means to feel like you belong. Being social animals, humans yearn to belong to a greater whole. A child who feels like he belongs to you will have strong emotional ties to the people who matter most to him and will have confidence in his place in your family.

When major life events like the birth of a new brother or the divorce of parents occur, a child’s sense of belonging is frequently shaken. Regressive behaviours might result from these kinds of changes, but if you know where they come from, you can successfully deal with them.

What is the significance?

The sense of significance is the awareness of one’s ability and necessity. A child has to understand that by making significant contributions, he may change his family. He must also be able to control his reality with his own unique power. Please keep that in mind, my friend. Power.

Every person, whether they are a child or an adult, has a fundamental desire for power and the freedom to decide how to exercise it. Children will use negative methods to gain the control they desire if they are unable to exercise their free will in constructive ways. These methods include disobeying instructions, talking back, going against what is requested, and even setting out to irritate you. Are parents driven nuts by these kinds of negative, power-motivated behaviours?

Second principle assumption: All behavior is goal-directed 

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Do you still have memories of your teen refusing to complete his homework? Your fifth-grader decision not to pay attention? Consider the epic dinner conflict between your three-year-olds. That behaviour is not random, my friend; pay attention.

We know from Adler’s work that misbehaviours are simply a child’s attempt to acquire belonging and significance, regardless of whether your child can express the motivation behind their choice (and don’t worry, most can’t). Once we realise that inappropriate behaviours are symptoms rather than the actual issue, we may treat the root cause in a way that actually produces results.

Your past parenting methods may not have been perfect, but they do not go to the heart of the matter. They merely apply a bandage to a wound that is deeply ingrained and might bleed out at any moment.

Third Principle Assumption: A child that misbehaves is a discouraged child

According to Alfred Adler, the word “discouraged” here means categorically that the child’s desires for significance and belonging aren’t being addressed. Your fifth grader’s refusal to listen is his method of communicating that he doesn’t feel like he belongs or has enough control over his life. This is the only way he knows how to express himself.

If your child misbehaves, consider it a cry for help; it’s a sign that something isn’t quite right for them. Children, unfortunately, will engage in undesirable actions in order to satisfy their emotional demands if they are unable to discover a constructive way to do so.

You’ll notice that children repeat frequent bad actions if sentiments of discouragement persist for a long time. The child will eventually begin to think that their bad actions give them the control they long for or the attention they need.

However, if we change the way we think and regard inappropriate behaviour as a sign that something is off rather than as a sign of our own or our child’s own shortcomings, we will almost immediately notice an improvement in behaviour.

Is worth it?

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I understand. Since you feel as though you have done everything, you want to be certain that this time will be different. You can now understand why positive parenting will benefit your family—regardless of the situation—since you are aware of the fundamental presumptions that underlie it.

In actuality, the underlying emotional demands of belonging and significance are shared by all people and must be satisfied. A child still has the same emotional needs as other people, regardless of whether they have special needs, separated parents, 10 siblings, no siblings, learning disabilities, or a behavioural diagnosis.

It only takes one parent who is willing to address their child’s emotional needs for positive parenting to succeed; no other elements are necessary.

Positive parenting is proactive, using strategic parenting strategies before misbehaviour occurs rather than after it has occurred, which is one of the biggest contrasts between positive parenting and the majority of other parenting approaches. Unfortunately, this reactionary posture is what most people keep up.

If you’re interested in other tips read the best tips and advice for positive parenting.