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I used to be one of those mums who would wish mothers a happy Father鈥檚 Day, as a matter of fact, I almost formed a committee of single mothers who doubled up as dads as well. People forget that for every single mother, there鈥檚 a man who either didn鈥檛 take responsibility, passed away, is ill, or was abusive and the mother had to make a hard decision or he鈥檚 in jail. There are many reasons why a father might not be present in a child鈥檚 life; when that happens, a mother is left with the task of filling two roles alone. As a single mum, you may end up feeling bitter about the father of your child and with that, you expect some recognition as the father as well but the truth is, you鈥檙e not. Some may say that daughters deal better without their dads while others argue that boys tend to be closer to their mother鈥檚 anyways, while I can attest to this, I have still come to the conclusion that there鈥檚 a void in a child鈥檚 life that sometimes only a father or a positive male role model can fill.

Globally nearly 8% of all households are headed by a single parent, with 84% of them mothers. This represents 101.3 million single mothers according to Make Mothers Matter. This doesn鈥檛 factor in the number of married couples who haven鈥檛 officially divorced and the couples that are simply co-existing in their households. It鈥檚 becoming increasingly easy for fathers to walk away and it鈥檚 become even easier for mothers to throw in the towel and mark the father’s role as unimportant and unnecessary. However, it鈥檚 a real crisis that will affect the next generation in a very different way.

Firstly, if you鈥檙e reading this and you鈥檙e a single mum, I鈥檇 like you to understand that this is not some sort of single mum showdown, instead, it鈥檚 the sort of truth you accept so that you too can heal and stop trying to be something you weren鈥檛 meant to be in the first place. I鈥檝e come to appreciate that as a mother, I am meant to be the warm, nurturing person that kisses away the boo-boos and whips up comfort food like nobody鈥檚 business, as a woman, that side of me is squashed when I have to play the role of provider, protector as well as adventurous, which side will you lean to as a woman? Parenting has always and was always meant to be a two-people job, the parenting kitchen is meant to have a variety of ingredients that come together to bring up the right kind of child, a balanced child.

Some mothers are married but tend to act like they have everything figured out and that their way of parenting is better, forgetting that fathers are also parents who don鈥檛 need to constantly be told on how to do things. You see, dads are the masters of adventure, when it comes to those things that you鈥檇 normally sit out like exploring the outdoors and turning everyday stuff into a game, fathers do that. Fathers tend to give the kids a backbone that you probably would struggle to give because you鈥檙e wired as a nurturer, softer but also the one who fusses about just how little your 14-year-old has eaten. Good fathers create experiences that teach kids resilience, teamwork and a dash of fun in everything.

For a son, dads have a special store when it comes to life lessons, they鈥檙e the people who鈥檒l show boys how to ride a bike without the training wheels and do boyish things like going to the garage and sporty activities. But imagine if you as a woman (especially if you鈥檙e not a tomboy) have to push your son into these things all by yourself? You鈥檒l probably end up telling your son that everything is dangerous and why? Because naturally, we fuss, we worry, we baby a bit too much and when we鈥檙e trying to be tough, our kids may end up missing out on the motherly side because there鈥檚 no right balance.

Myles Munroe once said 鈥淲hen purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable鈥�, this means that when someone doesn鈥檛 know their role then chances are their role will be abused, it will lack meaning and purpose. I tend to think that at times even fathers who are physically present don鈥檛 understand their role in a child鈥檚 life simply because they grew up knowing that their only role was to pay the bills, yet this is certainly not the case. Parenting is a perfect balance between the mum who gives fantastic hugs and gets into the emotional stuff and dads who have this knack for showing tough love and building a resilient character. Am I saying that women can鈥檛 do this? Of course, they can, but how do we avoid having sons and daughters who aren鈥檛 too over-sheltered or who end up feeling like they鈥檝e lacked a mum because you鈥檝e leaned too much into this inevitable role, you cannot be the perfect balance between the mum and dad.

Moms and dads bring their superhero capes and even co-parents should understand, that you鈥檙e not meant to be competing but instead understand your roles complement each other. Moms paint our worlds with compassion and tenderness while fathers bring in a bit of adventure and practicality. So, what happens when the father is not there? And he will not be there? You have to figure out how to build experiences that are similar to what a father would bring. We understand that families come in all shapes and sizes, sometimes it鈥檚 not necessarily about the role but the diversity of experiences and influences that shape children into the awesome individuals we become.

The hardest thing you鈥檇 have to do as a mom is not try and replace a father, and acknowledge that you cannot be a man but there are male role models that can help fill that role. For daughters, feeling loved, and understood and meeting their needs, especially through support and having open communication can help. For boys, put them in combat sports, let them meet men who are respectable and join mentorship programs in your community with good men, men who can teach them about manhood and whatever you do, ensure that your son does not become a mama鈥檚 boy who can鈥檛 make decisions without your consent, because one day, that boy will be someone鈥檚 husband, a colleague, a friend etc. In the end, let鈥檚 celebrate the amazing blend of love, support and guidance that both fathers and mothers bring to the table. It鈥檚 a team effort that makes the perfect dynamic duo and if fathers who are alive and well could step up to their roles, society would be a better place.