麻豆APP

I was 23 when I found out I was pregnant, so you can imagine that a good number of my friends were not mothers yet, I belonged to a group of young adults and if you think about it, I had only been out of my teens for 4 years and now I was having a baby. I wasn鈥檛 exactly a single parent because the dad was there at times, however, we were not married either, and we didn鈥檛 get to do the whole matching outfits and the bump photo shoots (I wish I did one alone). No one tells you that having a child alone can get very lonely. If you鈥檙e a young mum, your friends go on with their lives without you, and you hopelessly watch their lives on Instagram at 3 am as you try and burp your newborn baby.

There are different types of single mothers: those who are in the middle of a gruelling divorce, those who are co-parenting but are with the kids 90% of the time, and then there are those who are solo throughout because the other parent does not exist, whatever the case, single mothers across all groups, in my opinion, face challenges when it comes to making mum friends.

Let鈥檚 start with the first reason that may rub you the wrong way but in my case have found it to be true. In my quest in finding mum friends I became intentional about talking to single mums, you know the kind that would understand exactly what I meant. I had envisioned that I would find a charged-up mum friend with whom our kids would be best friends, we would gossip over a bottle of wine as the kids played and we would encourage each other when things got tough.

This person was supposed to be my confidant and I hers, it sounds great theoretically but then there was this challenge I came across in most relationships with single mothers! When traumatized people come together, they sometimes tend to form a connection or relationship centred on the trauma, you tend to want to keep sharing these experiences to show just how alike you are and it becomes a unique way of bonding. At first, you feel heard, you feel like wow, I am not alone and to an extent, you tend to even compete but not the healthy kind of competition where you play water sports at your child鈥檚 sports day, but the kind where you tend to see who has more problems than the other. The conversations tend to be about baby daddies, co-parenting and the missing father, for introductory purposes, these conversations are usually quite important, but when it becomes repetitive it weighs you down, you turn into a self-pity group that seems to be cursed and unable to move on, it鈥檚 a relief to get someone who understands your plight but at the same time it鈥檚 not exactly encouraging.

The other major reason why it鈥檚 hard for single mothers to make mum friends is because of comparison. I鈥檝e already spelt it out to you on how most single mum groups are, but why then can鈥檛 they make friends with the married group of mums? Because it鈥檚 hard! I watched a reel of a lady acting exhausted and her caption was 鈥淢e being exhausted because I can鈥檛 take my kids to their dad鈥檚 house since we are in a loving and committed marriage鈥� for happily married couples, this caption was hilarious, at first I thought nothing of it and as usual I looked at what everyone else wrote in the comment section, a lot of mothers felt as if this was a bitter pill to swallow because the video caption felt as if she wasn鈥檛 grateful enough since doing it alone is a lot harder and especially for those who don鈥檛 get the occasional breaks. A lot of single mums make decisions by themselves, which essentially means when they鈥檙e out with married mum friends it may be irritating when they have to consult their husbands about certain things. To put it simply, it鈥檚 triggered for the unhealed single mum to see a family that looks perfectly happy because it鈥檚 a reminder that she doesn鈥檛 have that, she may feel sorry for herself or may keep having flashbacks about what she could鈥檝e been. The mum friend reminds her that she鈥檚 doing everything alone and she tends to be bitter about this especially when they鈥檙e going out somewhere she has a tinge of envy that her husband sent money for her lunch, no matter how independent the single mother is, no matter how much money she has, she鈥檒l remember that she鈥檚 alone.

The other group of mum friends that single mothers find hard to bear are the judgmental ones, they could be married or single themselves but they seem to be more successful than her. This kind of single mother is figuring things out, she may occasionally want a break from her children and sometimes tends to down a bottle of cheap wine by herself, she鈥檚 frustrated with her life, and finances and her baby daddy won鈥檛 pick her calls. The only place that this kind of mum will find comfort is with her friends who are not mothers, why? Because they will not judge her, they鈥檒l sympathize with her but they鈥檒l never ask her about her baby weaning processes, they won鈥檛 ask her if she鈥檚 saved enough school fees they鈥檒l assure her that she鈥檚 doing a great job, so she feels safe. Mothers innately tend to be competitive but there鈥檚 a time it gets toxic, the healthy way of being a safe space when you鈥檙e competitive is by giving positive criticism or feedback, it鈥檚 not what you say, it鈥檚 how you say it.

What most single mothers fear when it comes to making mum friends is rejection, she tends to feel the need to say bad things about herself and her only identity is talking about all the negative experiences that she鈥檚 had. Society already deems her as a failure and other mothers may this worse for her by constantly comparing or treating her like a charity project that needs to be helped because in most cases she鈥檒l need a bit more support than those who are happily married and living in a cute fenced home. What I will say is, you don鈥檛 have to hide from other mothers, you鈥檇 be surprised at just how many other mothers end up going through the same emotions you do even though they鈥檙e married, the judgmental ones are mostly insecure about their parenting styles and one thing you all have in common is that you have one hell of a job. Your story to your friends doesn鈥檛 have to be about how much money you don鈥檛 have, how horrible your baby daddy is or how he left you in the middle of labour. Yes, I understand you, your story is sad because one parent ditched and you didn鈥檛, but guess what? That shouldn鈥檛 stop you from telling a different story, how about being confident in the fact that you鈥檙e a strong woman who is doing a two people鈥檚 job? Do you know how many people want to confidently take that leap of faith and walk away but cannot? But you do it, don鈥檛 bond over your problems, bond over your strength.