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When I became a mum, there was this weight placed on me from day 1, it felt like there was a stash of perfectionism and instincts that I had received as soon as I birthed my son. It’s all in the comments people make as they remind you that you were created for this moment, if I made one single mistake everyone would go wow, you’re not supposed to do that but if the dad did the same thing everyone would be overly sympathetic. It reminds of me a video I watched on Instagram whereby a young mother in Texas was in labour and a policeman helped the couple with the process, for starters, the cop compared her labour experience to that of a cow as he went on to describe how it was easy for him to deliver the baby because he’d done it with cows than to add on to it, he congratulated the lady’s husband for being so brave, the most interesting thing is that he never mentioned the mother who had to give birth on the sidewalk not to mention just how horrifying and painful the process actually is.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve felt dismissed, belittled or completely invisible simply because no one takes the time to audit my life and just how much it’s changed ever since I became a mum. What people see if a woman is simply doing what she’s meant to be doing shows that mothers are held to a different standard than men, and why is that? A man being praised for basic acts such as buying new toys for their child or even spending time with their kids just goes to show you how we’ve set the bar so low.

This conversation is not new, as we’ve seen that a lot of people now understand that taking care of your child is not babysitting but actually doing what you’re supposed to do as a parent. In the past, men’s primary duty was to provide everything else was left to the mother because there was the assumption that being a mum is not a full-time job, I can confirm that an office job is 10 times easier than staying at home with the newborn child who wakes up every 2 minutes and let’s not forget that mothers don’t get to actually have a social life which is part of the reason they probably have breakdowns and get so exhausted.

We’re raising a generation that needs to work together without having exclusive gender roles and especially when it comes to parenting. In order to have a more inclusive and egalitarian society, men need to understand that their role is just as important as mothers’ and that both genders can offer substantial parenting values that are needed by children. The fact that fathers get so much praise for doing the bare minimum means that they will never truly understand what it means to love their children which is why mothers end up playing the protective role of helping the father understand their child which is odd considering a father should know their child just as much as the mother does.

It is time to remind fathers that they too have unique strengths and qualities that can be very impactful in children. I always say that there’s really no need of looking for a mother for your children just so you can easily leave him/her with their mum as you gallivant because then the mum is always trying to fill that void giving her double work. Because we’ve taught men that their only role is to exist and pay for bills (which some are also becoming horrible at) they tend to assume that their only value is in financial gain yet I know I have met fathers who are present, loving, still, provide and excel in providing emotional support as well as encouraging independence.

Encouraging shared parental responsibility is the only way we can save the family unit. Parenting is not just a mother’s thing, as I’ve mentioned previously before. The fact is, it has become too easy for men to escape responsibility and as we keep trying to help them figure it out they know that they’ll always have the excuse that they are men and that it’s not natural for them to be dads then I must ask, what is the primary reason for having kids? Not just to populate the earth but to also impart values, pass on culture, and build generations of people that are less traumatized and more loving all of which is possible to do especially when both parents are involved on the same level, there is a reason why this is meant to be a two people job because it is challenging and as long as we don’t challenge fathers to be better than more people will also be discouraged to even try.

When men do household chores like taking the kids to the toilet or doing the laundry, they shouldn’t be given excessive praise. They are not especially spectacular parental accomplishments; rather, they are merely a characteristic of adulthood. A simple thank you for doing a,b,c is great but when someone almost receives a trip to the Bahamas every time they’re doing what they’re supposed to be doing makes them feel like they’re doing you a favour and really they’re not.
Why not hold fathers to a higher standard rather than excessively praising them for their routine parental duties? Believe it or not, fathers actually have a pretty tough job, they’re meant to protect, provide and be solid role models that their own daughters are meant to want to be with men like them when they grow up and at the same time their sons are supposed to wish to emulate them, it doesn’t mean that we’re going to be perfect as parents but my goodness we need to be able to help each other to be better, that’s what your co-parent is supposed to whether married or not.

We all have different standards of what a father is meant to be, those standards are based on your own experiences but if you think that your experiences have made you lower your standards then you must surround yourself with real father figures who can help you understand what you’d like in your spouse or if you’re a man and your dad didn’t make the cut then you need to do your research and start tailor-making yourself, I am a firm believer that just because you didn’t see something while growing up does not mean that you’re not able to be just as good as you’d want to be. Fathers are important, their role is needed and we should not continue to act like children only need mothers, additionally, we need to stop lowering the standards for fathers just because mothers always act like they’re hands-on because they too need help.